Apologizes and some wine

It was almost midnight. Tired, Calliara wandered through the corridors, a bottle in hand, going to Nygozy's room. Surely the Commander was sleeping, or about to, but the Wolf needed to speak with her, and to do it alone. It was just a couple of hours that Sinjan and her had returned, and that time she passed it at the baths and thinking.

She should apologize, she knew it, even if her own pride howled with that thought. But she should. She was Nygozy's second, and even if her heart cracked when Drake left for the mission and left her there, she should had nodded and just moved on. She should have handled her own terror. So she had to explain herself and apologize. And for that she needed to drink.

Now that everything looked settled and done, and she had no duties to look at for the moment, she allowed herself to think about the past days, past conversations, past pain and past scary thoughts.

"You be taken the darkness. Why it be so slow?''

Calliara stopped in the middle of the dark corridor like hit by a lightning. Her heart pounded in her chest, remembering that horrible talk with the Shadow.

''You be unique among your kind as the Father be unique among mine. The darkness is not bad''

The Wolf started to shake. She knew she was starting to have a panick attack, because she had felt the same before, but it had been too long since the last episode. It was a relief that she was alone in the corridor, but she wished, oh, how she wished, that she had something or someone to hold to. Her hand pressed harder the bottle while she started to walk again. Just a few more steps to Nygozy's door. You can do it.

"The Father be glad to take you in''

Not for the first time in her life, she wondered what would had happened hadn't Duncan found her. Death? Change? The thing that terrified Calliara was becoming one of them. Loosing herself, all she was, all she could become, and vanish in the shadows, forever. Her free hand looked for the wall to steady herself, feeling that she was starting hyperventilating.

"Given to the Father''

Five steps. Don't collapse now.

"Broodmother''

The bottle fell to the floor and crashed in little pieces, its content spilled over the stones. Broodmother. That simple word was Calliara's deepest terror, maybe one of the few things that scared the crap out of her. Not for the thing itself, she saw Broodmothers in the past, but becoming one of them. One of them

The Dalish tried to calm herself and breath, but she was far too long gone into panick. She slammed her fist to Nygozy's door, barely standing and having to lean her back against the wall so she wouldn't fall, trembling, pale and sweating, feeling her heart palpitating inside her chest, her lungs aching painfully and breathless.

Lying on the couch was the easiest way to avoid everything while Kai had gone off for a bath. It was easy to tell that the man had not wished to go but there was no call to be at her side every given moment. Torture was there and others watched her door just in case as well as animals being close by ready to inform of any danger. That's what you got when you fed all the little animals in your yard.

A moment later Torture was at the door just before there was a loud sound. He banged against it but not in such a way as to attack. It was his defensive posture, the one he used when he was worried about someone other than herself. Then he barked and Ny was up opening the door to see what was wrong with Calliara.

"Calli?" She checked the woman over then helped her to her feet and to the couch, setting her down on one end as her mabari clunked the door closed behind himself, "What's wrong?"

''Broodmother''

In her panick, Calliara just heard that word, shaking and sweating, but somehow with Ny's help she made it to the couch.

''Broodmother''

''Calli? What's wrong?''

Nygozy's voice reached her after a while, when the Dalish was still trying to breath and recover her temple. She looked at the dwarf, eyes wide and terrified, and some tears falling

''I don't want to be one of them! I don't want to be one of them! Broodmother!'' The Wolf cried. Creators knew she felt ashamed that moment, just barely aware of it, and in her terror and desperation she grabbed Nygozy's arms ''It said they were going to take me! It said I was going to be given to its Father!''

Broodmother.

That terrifying word, the fearful thought of becoming a being for pure creation of darkspawn hordes. Nygozy's eyes went wide at the thought and she hugged Calliara hard, knowing that fear, the terror in one's heart knowing, just knowing what could have happened. She'd been close to that herself, being tossed into the Deep Roads as a youth because she dared to fight back. It was close. It had been terrifyingly close to her being caught by them and taken. If she had not learned how to hide, how to move through the darkness like the shadows themselves she would have been caught.

"It's ok, Calli. No one is going to change you into anything. Drake told me what Shadow said to you and he should not have been out there in the first place, let alone discussing anything about the taint and that father in public." She growled, "He had the nerve to glare at me as if I was giving away what he was by using his name. A name is a name for goodness sakes. Don't listen to him. I will see the Father myself and you will be nowhere near them."

''But what if it is certain and it's true that I am changing!!??''

Nygozy hugged her, and it felt nice, too nice to be real, she wished Drake was there as well, and Bowen, and Gunnar, and Jezarine, and Kai, and Sinjan, and Macha, and Caterina... Calliara so wished they all could see that she needed help as well sometimes, that she wasn't the stoic, calm Wolf that always cared for everyone and everything. She wished they know that, deep inside, she was terrified of hurting them by becoming the things they fought, and that was why she forced herself to care for everyone.

''Promise me...'' Calliara sobbed, like a little girl, like she hadn't cried in a long time, almost hiccuping and breathless ''Promise me they won't take me, promise me you'll kill me if that happens, please! Promise! I don't want to be one of them... Please, promise me that if you see I'm changing you'll kill me!''

"Calliara," She took the woman by the shoulders and sat in front of her, "Of course I promise! You would do the same for me too! It's a given, not a question of whether we will or whether we can. We are Grey Wardens and we know, especially us women, we know what we have to do for each other."

Nygozy smiled, "But we have some years left and Jezarine is onto ideas of how to try to help. Even if she doesn't well, we will go out in style and make sure each of us are taken care of. Not by darkspawn. By our family, us."

Maybe it would be late for me

Calli closed her eyes, tears still falling but trying to recover her selfcontrol.

''It... it said it like... like it was certain... it was so certain that it was happening already...''

The Dalish sighed, still sobbing a bit and looking truly ashamed of the spectacle, but now was more herself than before, and was analyzing what she said, what it said, and the implications

''What if I change faster than others? Even Rakot Hemlin could smell the taint in me... Maybe I... Maybe I am to become a danger for you all. Maybe I already am a danger for you all. The Shadow know what happens to me, what if other darkspawn can feel it too and they came for me? Not the ones 'free' from the Old Gods, but the ones that are still... with them... ''

Just with that mere thought Calliara started panicking again and her hands started to shake

Nygozy grabbed Calliara's hands and held them tight, "Calliara!" She forced the other woman to look her in the eyes, "Do not think like that. They feel all of our taints and look for any they can feel. Yes, yours is stronger as you were sick beforehand but you are not going to change. None of us will allow that! Got it? Drake would know if you were and he is just as adamant of keeping us all, especially you, safe from that."

She took the bottle and looked at it, "Now. Let's get off that topic. Jez is working on a solution and you will never have to worry about us leaving you to the unsweet sympathies of any spawn. Hey, this is a good year. What were we going to celebrate? Did someone tape Maghai's mouth shut?" The dwarf changed tacts, figuring amusement would help a great deal, "Where's cheese when we need it?"

Calliara couldn't help it, but she had to smile. A tiny, shy smile, but sincere.

''No, I... I wanted to apologize. For protesting about not being sent with Drake and Griffinhart. I am sorry, I know it was not my place, but I... I felt that I had to end that subject myself because I started it. That's all, and I wanted to apologize for my behaviour''

She moved a bit in the couch. That wasn't all, and she knew it. Sighing, she continued

''And I was mad because I was worried about Drake. I know he was going to be ok and such, but I couldn't help it. I was thinking, and thinking, what if he never came back, what if, what if, you know... Creators, give me that''

She grabbed the bottle and opened it to drink from it. A loooong drink

"Thank you for wanting to apologize." She waited until Calli had a good swig then took the bottle and downed some herself and handed it back, "It is always difficult to see the one you love go on a mission without you. I know that pain only too well but I had to make choices. You cannot shape change and you do not have the qualities I required from Griffinhart. More than five and we would have lost the advantage. The Tevinter mages would have figured it out well before they got to the warehouse. I could not chance that loss."

She leaned back, "Love. Isn't it splendid?" Her words were tainted with sad sarcasm, "You fear for them and about them no matter what."

''Splendid? Is a damn mess!'' She whined, drank again from the bottle and handled it to Nyggy

''I hid when they left. The very moment they had to leave, so Drake couldn't find me in time to tell me good bye. It's childish, it's stupid, and I feel bad about it, but I couldn't help it. I couldn't stand the thought of telling him good bye, or farewell, and then not seeing him coming back. I can't stand good byes, I can't, and like a stupid I hid from him...''

"To be fair and honest, I have done that too. Heck, look at me now avoiding Alistair because he wants me to be his queen. Love can be pain especially when you love two." She slugged back more wine and gave the bottle back.

''That sucks'' Calliara nodded, feeling the familiar painful dar in her heart ''I don't know who is luckier then, your two are alive, one of my two is dead''

She drank again from the bottle and gave it back to the Commander. She was still sweating and pale, but much better

''I should apologize to him as well, I guess. If he comes back'' The Wolf stopped, and shook her head with a weak smile ''When he is back''

"I am sure if both of yours were alive you would be going through the same dilemma I am having. What do you do?" She drank more and handed the bottle back.

Thinking about an alive Duncan made Calliara shiver and her eyes wet. His deep voice, his strong embrace, his tenderness, his touch... For a moment, it was overwhelming, and the Dalish almost sobbed again like a little girl

''I don't know what would I do had it been that way. I... I loved Duncan so much. I still do. I think I'll always love him, and if there's something beyond death, I hope I'll be able to see him again and tell him that I am sorry for leaving him alone in his last hours. Creators, how I wish cuddling with him in front of the fireplace during winter, listening to him ranting about the recruits'' She smiled softly with the memories, playing with the bottle before drinking again. Then she gave it back

''But I love Drake too. I feel that I am... healing slowly since I met you all, since the moment I saw him. I can't understand what happened, what I saw or what I felt, I just know that the moment I put my eyes on him I was lost, and I can't understand why. I just wished... wished him to care for me, to be there where I fall, I wished him to be the one to keep me warm and safe through the night. I don't know if that would have happened had Duncan been alive, but I am... grateful it happened, because I need him so much that I am certain that I won't be able to continue if I loose him too''

A moment of silence followed, and then the Wolf smirked sadly

''Isn't love splendid?''

The wine came back again and Nygozy gave it a sad look as it was diminishing quite rapidly. They would have to get another. She looked down to Torture and barked once for her faithful friend to go off and get another bottle so he bounced off, pouncing against the door with his paw up on the knob. He turned it, nudged the door with his nose and was off as the woman slugged some more wine back with a smirk.

"He was quite the man, I agree with that." She mentioned in sad reflection, "I remember when he first spoke with me. Quite the man. I could not see you ever wishing to leave him ... unless your circumstance was like mine except Duncan was never foolish enough to not work around situations and go by whatever others said. He looked at all the angles before making his decision. And if he had done the same then I could see you fall for Drake."

She lounged across the couch, he attention partly on Calliara and partly on the ceiling, "Drake ... now he is one who takes your attention when first meeting and not due to reputation as he hides his well. Would you believe we fought when we first met? And he certainly became upset later on when he found out what Alistair had done at the Landsmeet. It is hard to think of him showing such emotion." She sighed, "Come to think of it, I have yet to tell him ... or anyone else for that matter that Ali asked me to be his queen."

Calliara smiled sadly, listening to Nygozy talking about Duncan, and she drank the rest of the wine.

''Ali asked me to be his queen."

The Wolf choked, spitting all the wine she had in her mouth and looked at Nygozy, clearly astonished. Even her mouth hung open for a couple of seconds, speechless and trying to understand what the dwarf had just said. Finally, she snapped ''What??''

Still looking at her in disbelief, she placed the empty bottle on the floor, shocked. ''Well. I guess it was about time he decided about that, but are you sure you want to live in this cage?'' Calli waved a hand around ''Does that mean that these racist and snob humans would accept as their Queen someone that is not like them? I'd say that's a miracle, but nevertheless, I think the idea is wrong in so many ways... And what did you say?'' She asked curiously

It was amusing to see Calli's reaction to the proposal but she was glad that the woman had not choked on her drink from that reaction. Then the comment about the cage, the same as Kai had said, made her eyes lower.

"It seems that they would." She answered, unsure upon whether that was a good thing or not, "But Ali says that he refuses to come back to the throne without me. He will be taking a leave from those duties in order to mature and learn how to be a king."

She scratched the side of her head, "What did I answer to that? Uh welll... nothing. I have been avoiding him until I can get my head on straight and decide what needs to be done as well as what I want. It isn't like my wants come into this too strongly but it does affect how I go about this."

She took the bottle and slugged back even more wine than she had been taoking in one go. Did Calliara know about Kai? She had no idea, "Maybe I require your counsel. I could speak with Griffinhart to get a completely unemotional response but I require someone who would understand more than the warden core of the matter. I need a friend who understands feelings as well."

Itvwas her turn for her eyes to become damp from emotion, "You see, I do not know how to go about this without hurting someone or shredding my own heart. Whatever I do I will lose and the pain from it will be bad." She looked towards the partially open door wishing that Torture was back with another, bigger bottle of wine,"I love Kai and he has finally admitted the same. Alistair is still in my heart but I can never fully trust him again, not with how he bungled everything before. My heart aches for both men but Ali I can avoid and I do not wish to avoid Kai. But the crown... that frightens me because as a Gry Warden and especially the Fereldan Warden Commander I have a duty to perform."

''He will be coming with us?? Oh, Creators...'' Calliara sighed and looked sadly to the empty bottle ''I need more wine for that. Lots of it''

Then Nygozy continued talking about her problem with Alistair and his offer, and wanted her counsel, and Calliara felt some pity for her.

''I suppossed something was going on between Kai and you, and I am glad for that. Not because he is my cousin! Because you two look comfortable together... '' Thinking about it, the Wolf smiled and took Nygozy's hands ''Ny, you have to do whatever is good for you. It is you who is going to live with that decission, not them. You are the one suffering, and you have to choose what is good for you, and only you. You deserve someone you can trust, someone that you know would be there to catch your hand if you fall. What you once felt... what we once felt is still there, and it's going to be there until we die, there's no way to avoid it, but the pain will be less and sweeter with time. Now I can speak of Duncan and think about him without sobbing all the time, and I still love him, but I know it couldn't last because of his Calling. I don't know what you will choose, but if Alistair betrayed you once, if he broke your heart once... Trust is something that is too easy to break, and too difficult to rebuild again. You didn't deserve that, and you don't deserve that, and you don't deserve to be in the position he is pulling you into. You just don't deserve it''

"That is part of my pain." She leaned back, "The other part is what the crown means. As Fereldan Warden Commander it is my duty to do everything in my power to keep the citizenry unified in the efforts to keep the darkspawn at bay."

Nygozy shook her head just as Torture came back with a basket with bottles of wine. She smiled and tossed him a bone when he put down the basket. Most people in the palace liked Torture and tended to give him whatever he went for partially because they liked him and partially because it was going to her. With a few turns of the cork it popped off the bottle loudly and Nygozy took a large swig of it then handed it to Calliara.

"Do you realize how much the crown would keep people together? I discussed this with Sinjan before the Landsmeet since he is a noble and understands this kind of stuff. The thing is ... as the hero and Fereldan Warden Commander, the addition of being queen would cement a great amount of relations in Fereldan. Orzamar would be affected and due to our relations with the Dalish, Tower, and so on ...."

She grabbed another bottle and opened it so they both could have one. She really needed a drink now, "You see what I mean? I love Kai and I want to be with him. No matter what the future holds that is what I want and I will not ever give that up. But it is possible that I cannot toss away the crown which means I cannot do as you say and give up on Ali but ... it's not right asking each of them to accept sharing. That is the only way I can see that working. So what I want is at odds with what this nation may need of me."

Nygozy suddenly laughed. It wasn't a happy laughter but one of sadness and harsh sarcasm, "Here I was angry with Alistair for how he had done things with the Landsmeet and feel mistrust for it but I may be in a similar situation and I have no idea what other way there is. I want another way but by the stone I have no idea how to accomplish one."

The bottle was lifted and Nygozy down half of the bottle before stopping.

''In my opinion'' Calliara snorted, lifting her own bottle. ''All of that is plain and simple bullshit''

She drank for a long time and then looked at Nyggy again. ''Be aware that I am no human, no noble, and a Warden. I lived in this place for too far enough time to be fed up of these people and their stupid little games. But I learnt more about Grey Warden business. And being King or Queen is not Warden business, or else you'll end like the ones in the Anderfels, pretending to rule the Anderfels''

The Wolf looked at her intently, unblinking and even leaning down a bit. ''The crown would keep people together? Well, that's the King's business, not the Warden Commander. It is true that we need people to be united to fight darkspawn if another war or Blight comes, but you can't forget that. You are a Grey Warden, not their Queen. You can't encage yourself in this place when there are far too many things that will bring you out of here. What if you need to go... let's say, Amaranthine? Nobles would start to whine: ''But, but, but, the Landsmeet! The parties! The audiences!''. Bullshit'' She mocked, and her eyes softened.

''You can't make everyone happy, Nygozy. Your living in your own skin, not theirs, and you can't be always thinking about them, and not you. It is difficult enough to be what we are and knowing what we know. Don't imprison yourself with something you don't really want just because you think is your duty, because it isn't''

Half of the bottle disappeared again, and Calli continued.

''In peace, vigilance. You can't do it from here, wearing gowns and a crown and listening with a false smile to all those roosters ranting and whining. I can't understand why you feel obligued with a country. So, had Orzammar asked you to rule them, you would have accepted too? And Dalish? A dwarven Keeper is something I'll be really curious to see. Lithawen would die for sure. And what about the Tower? If they had asked you to be First Enchanter, would you be there? What about being Reverend Mother at the Chantry? Or Orlesian Empress? Maybe Qunari's Arishok?''

Calliara shook her head slowly. ''It is your choice to make, that's true, I can offer you my opinion. You are the Grey Warden Commander, and not a puppet that people want to see in their throne just to be calm and think that everything is alright and darkspawn are gnomes singing and dancing in the wilds. As a concept, the Grey Warden Commander is always someone neutral... excepting in the Anderfels, of course, but they are weird. I mean, really weird... Am I babbling? Like Jezarine?''

The Wolf looked at her now empty bottle, shrugged and opened another one. ''Anyway, I don't think it's a good idea to be Queen of these morons, but it's your choice. I'll be by your side whatever you choose''

The words flowed over the commander as she lay back, slugging back wine after wine but listening to the reasoning behind the discussion. Much of it made sense. So most of it did. Her reasoning was very good and since Calliara knew more about wardens due to having been able to be trained by them after her joining then there must be much more into her words than Nygozy had previously known.

How was the dwarf to know exactly about wardens when the one who was to teach her died the very night she had joined? Even Alistair had not been a warden long enough to learn much. There was a lot more to learn, a lot more to come to terms with that she had never given much thought to because all she had been doing was trying to stop the blight and keep the people together. Of course that would be her first thought after the blight was ended.

Get the people to join in their forces to fight the darkspawn.

Sinjan had considered that to continue making sure that the people continued to be joined in these matters would be to be queen if Alistair decided to take the throne instead of Anora and she had been willing to do this then Alistair dropped a fire bomb that they could not be together when they were at the Landsmeet.

She pressed her cheek against the back of the sofa, still upset. Nygozy loved Kai beyond reason, that was true, but she also still loved Alistair no matter how little she felt she could trust the man.

"Maybe. Let's not think more of that now. It makes my head swim." A deep breath exhaled before she turned her eyes back to Calliara, "What of you? I sense more frustration than just worry of Broodmothers and all. What is eating away at you, Calli?"

Calliara looked at her blankly, and then at the bottle, at Torture, at the ceiling and finally at the floor, avoiding Nygozy's gaze.

''Is it that easy to see?'' She sighed, thinking again about the horrible scene, and her pain reflected clearly in her eyes. Finally, she gave up

''When you told me that Drake was in the stables, and suggested me to go with him... well, you know I did. I... I found him with another woman''

Her voice cracked, and she had to breath to wrap somehow the pieces her heart was that moment. ''I... I am not sure what was happening, I don't even know who she is... I just heard her asking Drake to help her removing her clothes, and then... clothes being removed'' The Wolf closed her eyes, her hair almost covering her face while looking at the floor. ''Then Bowen showed up and called me, so they knew I was there. I fled from there. I've been avoiding Drake since then, I just... I just can't stand the thought of... I know I can't. I don't even know if he's been looking for me either. I just can't think about it, it hurts too much...''

Calliara looked at Nygozy again with a weak, hurt smile. ''It seems that we both are fucked. We both have two men we love. One of yours happens to be King and the other one despises him. One of my men is dead and the other one maybe prefers another woman''

Nygozy was drinking more wine when Calliara spilled her information and she almost choked then looked directly at her and shook her head, "I sent him to make sure Leliana arrived in good shape. We have always helped each other with our armor buckles so that's probably what you heard. Lel has never been interested in Drake and vice versa. Yes they used to flirt a bit but Leliana flirts with all men, and most women too."

She put a hand on Calliara's, "Besides, she's only been interested in Sin. Partially out of interest and partially out of terrorizing our incident positive half-elven noble." She chuckled at the last part remembering those days, "Leliana once sent five noble hunters after him for fun. When he finally escaped and found Lel she told him that she was just testing how fast he was."

''So she is a mean bitch. Charming'' Calliara said, with a deadpanned tone. Leaning back against the cushions, she sighed. ''I can't face Drake. I don't even think he'll want to see me again. First I hid from him so he couldn't see me before going on that mission. Then I find him with another woman and what I do instead of... yelling, or killing them both, is run again. How ridiculous and stupid and childish and everything''

The Wolf looked sadly at her bottle and drank down half of the bottle without breathing