Self doubt

Supplies, checked.

Calliara sighed and closed the bag she had been looking into, and marked a little sign on it to remind her that the bag had been checked already. Then, she took the next one.

It was strange she couldn't hear any agonizing cries, furious yelling or anything at all. That probably meant that either Rakot killed Dice and for unknown reasons he wasn't partying about it, or that Nygozy made both of them stop, and Wolfram as well. She had seen from distance that they were taken to the infirmary. Poor Jezarine, having to deal with them.

The Wolf closed the next bag and marked it as well. Things like that kept her mind busy while doing things: check her arrows, clean her bow or the swords, check supplies, mend blankets... She needed something to appease her mind. To prevent her to go and rip off Dice's throat with her very own teeth.

Calliara was very aware that it was very possible that she would loose that fight, in the case that it would happen. She wasn't as strong as others, and she was aware of that. That didn't mean that she wouldn't try.

But she was Nygozy's assistant. She couldn't involve herself in foolish fights, even if that... impertinent mutt deserved to be beaten. She hoped that Rakot would have beaten the crap out of him.

What hurt her the most, what worried her the most, what offended her the most, was Dice's words in front of everyone. Well, not really everyone, but far too much people to her liking. She wondered what they would think, if those that 'defended' Nygozy and her did it because they had to, because they wanted to, because they disliked Dice, but thinking he was right.

Ah, hell. Let's check another bag.

Shade walked through he camp and spotted the second in command he wasn't good with people but being around Tatsoo had been helping to understand when people were upset. He walked over to her and stopped a few feet behind her and leaned on his staff watching her with his Golden eyes he kept from his dragon form he liked the enhanced vision it gave him but it took a lot of Magic to keep active.

He watched her mark the bags and smiled knowing there were easier ways but he wouldn't interfere with her duties. "Are you ok Mam? You seem upset about something. Can I help?" He had never spoken to the woman before all he knew was she was Nygozy's second in command but she looked like something was bothering her.

Without moving or seeing him, Calliara knew someone was coming. Smelling him, she knew he was the young elven mage that almost made a disaster and that Kraven took in as his apprentice. He also smelled a bit like Tatsoo, which was interesting to know.

"Are you ok Mam? You seem upset about something. Can I help?"

Calmly, or as calmly as she could, Calliara shook her head, marking another bag. ''I am alright, cub, thanks for your concern''

It wasn't that she didn't wanted to talk to him. But it wasn't the Wolf's common behaviour to tell anyone how she felt or what happened to her. She could be bleeding and no one would know unless they smelled or saw the blood. Trying to not be seen too hars by Shade, Calliara looked at him briefly and smiled

Shade's eyes flicked to her face as she smiled at him his enhanced sight telling him she was trying to hide things though normally he wouldn't pry he was interested mostly because Tatsoo kept trying to get him to talk to people and the Elvhen woman was his kind sort of. He walked over looking at the bags marked. "Madam I haven't been called a cub in ages. Sometimes I feel too young and too old for this world but that is experience and I learned a long time ago that others have the tendency to hurt us more than we let on. I can see hurt in your eyes even the hardest warrior can not lie through those. Please tell me what is wrong I may not be able to help you but talking does relive the pain and even a little relief goes a long way."

Shade turned his head looking at the Elf and waited patiently which was yet another thing Tatsoo was teaching him. He smiled softly realizing just how much effect his Honey Lover had on his personality and how she was changing him for the better.

Finding Calliara was never a difficult thing for Drake as it was not hard to find almost anyone but she was much easier. The squabble with Dice had taken much longer than he had figured it would but he was done his job in the matter and however it turned out now was not his concern unless he caused more trouble and he knew he could be there in moments if he got a call.

Shade's scent was on the wind so it was no surprise when he saw the young man and heard him talking to his love. He smirked for a second as he knew how Calliara was. She seldom spoke of her pain except to him and this youth did not seem to realize that Calli was more likely to snap at him to get lost than to talk to him.

"You are requesting such things that my love is not willing to give to most people." He stated calmly as he walked around Shade to Calliara and put a hand on her shoulder, "I am sorry, emma fen lath (my wolf love). Dice was avid upon trying to prove his strength so it took some time to deal with him."

Lobo emerged for the shadows and saw the white haired elf. He cocked his head to the side and frowned. It was not something he normally did. He raised his hands to feel it; practicing going from frown to smile several times.

He shrugged as he skipped up to the white wolf.

A red haired elf beat him to it and soon after Drake followed.

He side stepped Shade as he went to Calliara's side and tugged on her shirt.

"What matter? Lobo no like sad. No play flute when sad. Sad flute bad." Lobo chuckled at the last part, "Lobo rhyme."

Wolfram struggled to make his way to find Calliara. He found out some things about Dice that might help her get over what he said. He may have been the first to notice she was gone when the fighting was done, but he wasn't in a good enough shape to going about at the time.

His robe still bore the cuts from the fight, and his left hand was still wrapped in a blood-stained bandage, which was only briefly removed when he started using blood magic on Dice. His staff bore two cut marks from when he was forced to use it to block. He eventually found Calliara, surrounded by Shade, Drake...and Lobo. Provided Lobo doesn't bring up what happened earlier, he won't have any problems approaching her.

"Shade, that's how she collectively refers to the youngest of our group, if you haven't noticed. Experience has nothing to do with it," He walked over to Drake and Calliara. "Don't let what Dice said get to you. Turns out he just wanted to die in combat. He also spent very little time with actual Grey Wardens and has spent the last two years in the Deep Roads with a little more than a dozen surface dwarfs, who also wanted to die."

"He also has an ego large enough to dwarf Thedas and a temper smaller than a nug. Despite being held down and surrounded by a force field, he threatened my life no less than twenty times, while also threatening Rakot, while calling Rakot a dog no less. He even said that Rakot's mother should have been killed for giving birth to him."

Calliara sighed secretely. That kid was insistent. That was something the Wolf couldn't understand from people, which part of a 'No' was that hard to understand?

''Kid, you're younger than me, and that makes you a cub, even if you try to get all mystical with me. I'm not used to explain my thoughts with everyone, to be honest I hardly speak to anyone about such things. So, please, don't insist. That doesn't mean I don't appreciate your effort''

"You are requesting such things that my love is not willing to give to most people. I am sorry, emma fen lath (my wolf love). Dice was avid upon trying to prove his strength so it took some time to deal with him."

Well, Creators be praised. Calliara wasn't sure if she was ready yet to face the others, specially the ones that were present when that happened, but she was glad that Drake was there in that moment. She had no idea of how to get rid of the insistent cub before getting angry.

''It's ok'' She shrugged, pretending to be alright, emotionless as usual, calm and stoic. ''None of you needed me there, and I had work to do''

And then Wolfram appeared as well. When the Wolf saw his state, her heart ached painfully.

"Don't let what Dice said get to you. Turns out he just wanted to die in combat. He also spent very little time with actual Grey Wardens and has spent the last two years in the Deep Roads with a little more than a dozen surface dwarfs, who also wanted to die."

Without saying a word, Calliara took his wounded hand, removed the bandaged and cleaned the wound before bandaging it again with one of the clean bandages from the supplies. ''What I don't understand is how a Warden could perform a Joining in the Deep Roads. No one brings...'' She looked briefly at Shade and frowned, then sighed and looked at Wolfram and Drake. ''You know what I am talking about''

"He also has an ego large enough to dwarf Thedas and a temper smaller than a nug. Despite being held down and surrounded by a force field, he threatened my life no less than twenty times, while also threatening Rakot, while calling Rakot a dog no less. He even said that Rakot's mother should have been killed for giving birth to him."

Calliara rolled her eyes with a low, wolvish growl. ''And then Rakot tried to strangle him, I am sure of it. If you are here and not burning Dice's corpse to hide the proofs, that means he is still alive, isn't he? Shame. And don't worry about me. I was expecting something like this, but it was unexpected from an unknown one that obviously doesn't deserve to be a Grey Warden''

Shade stared at the woman as the others talked. "You know my opinion it takes all kinds to be a Warden to do what is necessary. This man has a death wish but does anyone know why? Did anyone ask him why he wished to die or what his reasons were for going down there? You judge a man by what you see now not what he has been through that makes you just as bad as him. He has angered you, insulted you, harmed you and for that you wish death upon him a being of life and blood and thought because you are angry. Does that make you any different than him? The man may be suffering and wish to end it or maybe he is just a worthless human that deserves death, But that is not our decision to make, I have murdered in cold blood because of what I thought was justice but I have been reprimanded and justly so. No one here on this planet has the right to dictate a persons death. I know you are angry but that does not give you the right to wish death upon this person."

Shade turned starting to walk away and stopped next to Drake turning his head to look him in the eyes. "I respect you Drake because you showed me Kindness and understanding when I was scared and didn't know what to do. This man may be as I was lost but the difference could be that he has found a way to repent for his actions and I have not." Shade bowed to everyone there before turning and walking off.

"Apparently he got a little over dramatic about some of what happened to his family after Ostagar, which prompted him to end his life. I mean, how many of the people here lost loved ones because of the blight? You don't see us heading down to our deaths."

"You'd have better luck getting Ostef out of Rakot's shadow than an explanation out of Dice. Apparently, this happened after Ostagar as well, which makes even less sense for Grey Wardens to be down there, unless they embarked on their Calling and hadn't died yet. And even then..."

Wolfram paused, a bit surprised by her replacing the bandage on his hand. It was a nice gesture, certainly. He hopes that it will be a good while before having to resort to that again. He didn't like showing off the numerous scars that were hidden under that bandage. Perhaps its a good time to invest in gloves. For that matter, his robe needed mending as well.

"Dice is alive, for the moment. Lobo, here, told me to use a Fade cube on him, which would have trapped him in the fade. It seems hard to say, considering I'm a blood mage, but my conscience got the better of me and I offered him the chance for the release he craved. Instead, Nygozy ordered me to give her the cube and find you, so she can have either a good talk with Dice, or no witnesses for something she's about to do...why had you been expecting that?"

Drake showed no expression as everything was going on. He simply stood there and listened, watched and waited as was his normal sense of action then he grinned slightly at Shade, "If I had wanted to kill the man I would have but this is a surprise for you. Without even considering this man may be human you defend him? Has Tatsoo had that much of an affect on you? If so I believe she was a god send for you."

Shade stopped and turned a smile on his lips at the mention of his love. "She has shown me many ways to sooth anger and hatred. I believe she was sent by someone just for me. I don't know what it means in full just yet but I love her and I trust her guidance. Maybe one day I will be able to let go of my hate but Kraven has been showing me wisdom and how to think. I do not defend a human I defend a Person who has suffered and wishes the release of that suffering."

Calliara gave Shade an icy look. ''I am a Grey Warden, not a saint. If I have to kill, I kill. That thought of being nice and cheery with everyone because you get what you give is pure and plain rubbish. I don't care of his story or his reasons. He came here, threatened the camp's security and insulted the Commander. My duty is protect the people in these camp and the Grey Warden's honor. He threatened both. And as Wolfram said, all of us had lost loved someones. I lost all my brothers at Ostagar. I never knew my parents. I am dead for my clan, the only family I had. Don't even try to teach me how is life, cub, I know how it is very well. And if he wanted to die, he should have stayed in the Deep Roads. If he came to the surface to take those children to his family's castle, then he shouldn't have said anything insulting to have a fight''

She looked down at Lobo, and a smile blossomed. Crouching, she lifted briefly the small creature's hat and kissed his forehead. ''Thank you, Lobo''

''...why had you been expecting that?"

The Wolf looked at Wolfram and smiled softly. ''Because I am an elf. Because I am a female. I told Nygozy since the first moment. She has no problems with that because she is the Hero of Ferelden. The rest of us...'' She smirked. ''I am what I am, and I don't have to proof myself to anyone. To be honest, that idiot just caught me off guard. I was too worried about Nygozy and to find that moron could not obey a simple order, and yet had the guts to insult us and discuss, and demand to be met by the Commander just because it was him... Well, I wasn't expecting someone that selfish''

With the corner of her eye she looked at Drake and Shade. It surprised her that they were talking as if they were getting along well

Lobo blushed; if a green little creature could.

He looked around and squinted his eyes at all the people here, "Why you bother pretty elf?" he said as he pointed a finger at Shade.

"Lobo no like sad elf."

Lobo began making shooing motions towards Shade.

Rakot and Ostef wondered upon the gathering spot, looking for Drake to send them on their mission. Closing in on the sight, Rakot looked around, a disgusted expression appearing on his face as he spotted Lobo. He then turned to Drake.

"We're patched up and ready to go, whenever you need us...."

He then turned his gaze to Calliara, and spoke in a calm, detached tone of voice.

"Not that its my business, but I couldn't help but to over hear...you've gone soft on me, Wolf? You let one half-retarded shit eater bother you so much? The Commander may be always wrong on her decisions then it comes to killing, but even I doubt she would place you in your position if you weren't capable of performing your duties. Toughen up, I wouldn't want to lose my respect for one Warden that is actually worth it. You need to kill something, always a healthy boost of confidence."

"...actually he is right, sticking a pointy end of a sword into things seems to have the effect of brightening up one's outlook on life. For anything else, there is alcohol."

Calliara smiled and patted softly Lobo's head. Then, when Rakot and Ostef showed up, a wolvish grin took place instead of her smile.

''And sex, Ostef. Don't forget sex. Then mix sex and alcohol, and you win'' She teased, then looked at Rakot and lifted an eyebrow. ''Soft? I hope the Creators wouldn't allow that. No, my fault was expecting Dice to be intelligent enough to understand a simple order. I haven't realized that 'wait' was such a difficult word for certain someones to handle''

"Then it is good you have them both. I must be on my way. Take care of yourself, Shade."

Drake patted his shoulder then walked over to Calliara, pulled her into his arms and kissed her hard and long. He played with her hair for some moments after before rubbing his nose against hers, "When I get back, emma fen lath (my wolf love), we will partake of all the best things."

He kissed her hard and fast this time then started walking away, "Let's go kill something Trouble Twins."

"Calliara, you are a Grey Warden. Race and gender doesn't matter. We all.." Wolfram paused as he glanced over at Shade. He sure loves putting his nose in other people's business. "..share the same... Wolfram looked over at Shade again, enough for Calliara to notice. "what's the word...enansal(blessing)? Yeah, that's it. We all share the same 'enansal'" Wolfram repeated, slightly motioning quotation marks over enansal. He didn't know how info Shade learned about the Wardens that he shouldn't have learned, and he also wasn't sure of how well his elvish was, but Calliara should be able to correctly interpret his meaning, provided he actually got the word right. Perhaps he should begin working on his elvish, due to the large amount of elvish members in the group.

"Well, who said he was smart? I mean you must be a complete idiot to go down into the Deep Roads without either being a Warden or a dwarf." Wolfram replied. "Feeling better now? Nygozy wanted to make sure you were alright."

Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry. That will be later, when I'm alone in our tent, trying to sleep with your scent in our sheets, when I'd miss you to death

Calliara smiled and kissed him back, as hard as passionate as desperate as him, rubbing after that her nose against his. ''Just come back to me''

She wanted to keep him, to hug him until he would forget about that mission that would take him far from her, but said nothing. Things had to be done, and some people had to be killed. Calliara kissed him one more time and then nodded, looking at Rakot and Ostef.

''Take care you both and kill well. Come back alive. And if this ser misbehaves and dies, bury him very, very, very deep so I won't kick his arse to make him breath again, and then kill him by myself'' The Wolf sighed for herself. It was harder than she had thought. ''Come back alive''

"Calliara, you are a Grey Warden. Race and gender doesn't matter. We all... share the same... what's the word...enansal(blessing)? Yeah, that's it. We all share the same 'enansal' ''

The Wolf nodded, looking at Shade briefly and then at Wolfram. ''That's the word. And non initiates shouldn't be putting their noses in matters that doesn't belong to them''

"Well, who said he was smart? I mean you must be a complete idiot to go down into the Deep Roads without either being a Warden or a dwarf. Feeling better now? Nygozy wanted to make sure you were alright."

Feeling better? Well yes, but Drake is leaving Creators know where, and he will be back Creators know when''

The Wolf smiled and nodded. ''I am alright, yes''

Shade flicked his eyes up to Wolfram and sighed. "You are a Idiot for asking something stupid in the first place. It was his choice and a man can choose how to die. This man went to the Deep roads as you say he did to kill Darkspawn and to die with Honor that is not stupid that is more than most people do in there entire lives. Don't be foolish to say what he did was stupid when he went to die but also to do his part. If everyone did that stood up and fought went to the Darkspawn homes than they might be erased. You are a idiot for passing judgment on a person because you don't think he has what it takes. Who the hell made you so special? Humans all the same you think your better ha. "

"Calliara have a good day, Drake you a safe trip I will hope for your return my friend may whoever you wish watch over you."

Drake took his leave, as did Shade and that left only Calliara and Wolfram when the howl for the they youth who would hunt for essences sounded.

End Thread