Sadness in Wardens' Home

Calliara had spent the last hours in the gardens, trying to get some of the peace that it seemed was denied to her. She had informed Nygozy about the Sethenera in the lower levels, and about Duncan's message, but now she was alone with her own grief, double grief, as Drake hadn't arrived yet with Rakot or Ostef, and that was slowly killing her.

Instead of resting, or even eating something, she'd been taking in her own hands the tasks she could steal from Nygozy, such as organizing the stables, accomodating the survivors and fighting with the former cooks of the Keep to assume their jobs again. It needed Bowen's diplomacy to prevent her to stab one or two to make her point, and she knew that he was worried, that others were worried. It was mostly unlikely on the Wolf to be that aggressive towards innocent people. Blunt, yes, sometimes ironic or too firm, but never mean. And the wait, and her sleepless nights were getting the worse of her.

So she stayed there, trying to get some peace and appease her pain, waiting for another thing that needed fixing or someone asking for something, and trying not to think.



For his part, Bowen was having the fun of his life organizing the barracks and the training yard again. It was a familiar task, as he had done pretty much the same when Duncan was in charge in Ferelden, and so he got Gunnar and some of the others to help him organize cots, tables and training dummies

The keep had been an exteme mess when they finally were able to come about and into the place. He was constantly finding dead until today. Bodies had been burned or burried depending on the state of being. It was all done well away from the keep but you could still smell the stench in the air. It was all not very pretty at all.

The fighter had found people to spar with to keep up his skills but today he was only doing a sweep of the grounds to see if anything had been missed when he'd been called in by Nygozy. That meeting had taken very little of his time as it normally took lately.

Finally he found his target out in the yard trying to figure something out he'd say but he wasn't always right. Either way he tried to sneak up on her, something he was very bad at, and wrapped his arms around her waist with his face nuzzling her neck.

"Ah! I found the blooming white rose. You smell so sweet my best friend's love." He teased Calliara with a light kiss to the back of her neck. He meant nothing of it but teasing. Mostly anyway. But he also loved to snuggle lovely women like that, "If you were not denied to me by my best friend's love for you I would take you away to a world you could only dream of."

The Wolf smelled him way before he tried to be a sneaky lad, but she liked him enough to please him that way, and waited for him to end his exhibition. But when he kissed the back of her neck she actually shivered. Damnit, it was one of her weak spots, a thing Drake knew very well, along with her inner wrists or her ears... and that was the end of the 'public' spots.

''Hi, sweetling'' She smiled, her voice calm as ever, but really tired. ''Are you done with what Nyggy ordered you to do?''

Calliara laughed softly with his innuendo, sincerely amused, and brushed his hands with hers. ''What a shame then, Sin. You're so cute I find myself tempted'' It was obvious she was teasing him back, trying to fake and failing, but knowing that she could trust him was a relief. ''But he is not here. And I doubt he will ever come back. We haven't heard from him or the others for such a long time. We... we must assume the worst''

"Am I ever done what Ny wants me to do? Hmm. Not quite I have one more duty."

His friend was tired and he could feel it as much as see it. Her worries were strong and he worried for his friend as well but he did not show it. A gentle nudge with his nose to her ear as they wrapped their fingers together and he smiled against her hair.

"Do you really find yoursef tempted?" He asked, genuinely curious. What if something had happened to Drake? That would tear both of them apart but would she wish him to comfort her and be comforted if it did happen?

Just get that thought out of your mind or Drake surely would eat you once he returned. And for goodness sakes don't ask her about comforting.

The sad truth was that she may be right. Drake may not be coming back. No. He had to, if only to ruin his ability to nuzzle Calli's neck, "Shhh shhh sweetling. Drake will be back. He always is. When he went to find that snarky dwarf in the deeps of the Darkspawn's lands he returned. Heck, he had been there a long time! He will be back. Believe me."

''Of course I'm tempted. Why wouldn't I? Temptation is in everyone'' Calliara looked at him curiously over her shoulder. ''I am sure Drake could appreciate any beauty he crossed his way with. Being in love or commited doesn't mean you can't appreciate others. The only difference is your loyalty and love will keep you from falling into it, but being tempted it's not bad in any way''

Suddenly she realized that she had spoken of Drake in past. Could, crossed. The Wolf avoided his eyes and lowered her now wet eyes to the ground, trying hard not to cry and not shudder in Sinjan's arms, even if her hand trembled in his.

''I want to believe you'' She muttered sadly. ''Creators know I want to believe you. But I can't. It's happening again and I can't take it, not again... It hurts so much that I can't even think of him just to not sob like a stupid. I try to keep my mind busy with things that have to be done here, taking care of you all, trying not to think... But at night when I try to sleep, he is not there, and I can't fake it anymore, Sin. He is not going to come back''

As Calliara started to speak he moved around her, keeping hold of one hand and watched he face as she spoke. She was terrified and hurting badly. One one hand he thought of how she'd admitted to being tempted to him, truthfully tempted but on the other hand Drake could still come back.

Sinjan took Calli into his arms and hugged her, calmly giving her comfort with no request or interest of anything else but making her feel better. He rubbed her hair with one hand as he held her by the shoulder with the other.

"It's ok to worry Calli. It's ok."

For now he could wait to ask what he came to ask. He was determined that she would cry on her shoulder as much as she required and that he would not let her do any trying to get out of it. So he held her tight while soothing her, making sure she got it all out of her system.

Oh, Creators, he hugged her. Calliara tried hard to not react to it, but it was too much, and slowly she wrapped her arms around his waist, and hid her face against his chest.

It took some moments, but finally Sinjan could hear a muffled sob, and the Wolf's shoulder trembled a bit. Even then she tried to hide her tears and her worry, but all that was needed was a hug. Bowen was busy and now Caterina was more important to him than anyone else. Gunnar was not the type to comfort anyone. Nygozy had her own problems to deal with, and the poor woman had seen the Wolf crying already (and drunk). Poor Macha was busy with her own things as well.

A hug was all that was needed. And suddenly Calliara started sobbing like a child, like the young girl that she never had been and never could be again, and all her pain, her fear and her sorrow started to flow endlessly with her muffled sobs and tears watering Sinjan's shirt. She cried like she hadn't cried in weeks, maybe months, crying for Duncan, crying for Drake, and crying a little for herself too.

Sinjan had expected her to react at first but made sure she was not going to push him away, holding her with pure intent to let her heave out her pain. She cried onto his shirt, wetting it with late tears. These tears should have been shed weeks ago, maybe even months he did not know and suddenly started to feel a bit of a grievance towards Drake, wondering if his friend had made sure that Calliara was able to cry when she needed it. That was a rule for him when it came to women. Let them cry, make them cry when they needed it and be there for them until they no longer required it.

Her tears were warm when they dampened the cloth onto his skin but he did not mind. He murmured reassuring sounds into her ear, quietly urging her to let it out. His hand continued to brush her head but held her there gently.

No words were said but he did give her gentle kisses on the forehead as comfort.

Poor Sinjan, she managed to think between sob and sob. Poor guy, having to deal with that mess. She felt ashamed and terrified of her own reaction, but now that she had started, she was unable to stop, and her tears didn't seem to want to end. She clutched his back, sobbing on his chest and trying hard not to cry too loud so no one could hear and see the Wolf in such indignity, but she just couldn't stop, and somehow she knew that was what Sinjan wanted, because that was what she needed, even if she didn't know herself.

Finally, after what she thought were years and not minutes as it had been, she managed to recover a bit of dignity and released Sinjan from her grasp, cheeks wet and still teary eyes, and even blushing a bit, ashamed of herself, and thinking that surely she was a mess and that would put an end to Sinjan's teasing, even if she didn't realize that she was actually cute that way

''I... Thank... thank you, Sin''

Sinjan kept his hands on her shoulders as she started to move away and gave her a half-hearted smile as he took one hand, got a hanky from one of his satchels at his hip and wiped the tears from her face. He kissed her forehead again and this time smiled more aptly,"Think nothing of it, white rose. Now ... you keep your head up and any time you need a shoulder you know how to kidnap me. Remember that!"

He took a deep breath and looked away towards Nygozy's rooms and let out some air through his nose. He was sad for a moment himelf as he thought of what he needed to do. Yes, Nygozy had asked him to get Calliara but she also said to take his time. So he could do what he felt was required.

"Calli... I..." He took another deep breath, "I was told to come get you but not to hurry but ... I had ... there is something else I wanted ... damn it I feel like Jezarine's soul has gotten into me and is making me not be able to speak properly." With that he growled as if he were upset but it was a joke.

Calliara looked at the half elf almost suspiciously, trying to guess what was he up to.

''Well, ask away. I don't think you're going to fall on one knee and ask me to make you an honest man, are you?'' She tried to joke, still sad, but now her curiosity had the best of her. ''Or do you want a kiss for helping me? I don't mind that. What do you need?''

"A kiss? I haven't had one in a while but it isn't what I wanted to ask." He winked knowingly at her.

This was a mistake. Wasn't it? It had to be a mistake to ask her something like this but what if he didn't? No he had to ask even if it meant she stomped off and did not speak to him again. He just had to. It was that important but he didn't want to offend her.

He rolled his shoulders and decided to take the dive. If he hit rocks then Jez could heal him after he got up from being clobbered. If he didn't then even better, "I was wondering if you could introduce me to that ghost of what'sis'name who you lost before? I wanted to ask him, and I suppose you, a question."

Calliara just stared at him. And she looked astonished for a moment, then hurt, then curious, then hurt again, and finally a mix of all. But she did not hit him nor yell or just go away. She stood there, trying to guess what he wanted, and trying hard to get rid of the hurting knot in her throat before speaking

''His name is Dun... was Duncan. Commander of the Grey'' She said softly, voice calm and gentle as always. ''I... I don't know if he can... 'speak' with us again. You can ask me if you want...?''

Sinjan waited for her to get through with thinking over what he said, waiting eagerly but no eagerly for a possible strike for asking in the first place. But it did not happen even though it did look like she was tempted a couple of times, with good reason. He was treading on thin ice with this he knew but there was no other way to find out.

"Duncan. Yes, thanks Calli." He scratched his head then took another deep breath, a sure sign with him that he was nervous, "Nygozy adored him and that is sort of the reason I need to ask about the ghost. You see, I was talking with Jezarine and she has been worried about the baby. Wardens can't have babies so she looked up some information and found out why. The baby won't have a soul."

At first she didn't understand what he meant. ''What? But... there had been cases... Just a few, but there had been... We're even...'' She stopped right then. Only Duncan knew the truth, and the others could just suspect and read between lines with some comments here and there, but...

''I can't say I'm completely sure, but I am almost certain that is possible for a female Warden to have a child, and that child could be 'normal'. I've never heard a thing about not having a soul... How could that be? Do you... do you mean the baby would be born dead?''

There we go. She was thinking of it and working out the details. Calliara was a smart woman so it was natural that she would be able to figure most, if not all, of this out. He nodded about the babies and such then she came to the scariest part.

"Not dead." She admitted, "The book didn't express exactly what the child would be like but it suggested that it would either be unable to notice or react to it's environment or it would be like Darkspawn, or what we used to see of Darkspawn. Unthinking, cruel an evil."

Sinjan was truly messed up by the newer Darkspawn, speaking like this shadow Nygozy had allowed stick around, "So to avoid that it said to, as Jezarine says, 'Find a free ranging spirit and see if it wishes to come back.'"

The Wolf frowned. Of course she got what Sinjan wanted to say, but was taking his time to say it, and that made her think.

''I know at least one case of a female Warden that gave birth to a normal child. In fact, the child is still alive today and has his soul intact'' Calliara looked surprised to say the least, and concerned ''Does Nygozy know about this?''

And then, realization hit her like a tidalwave, and she looked at Sinjan, almost terrified

''You want to speak with Duncan because you want to ask him if he wants to come back?''

"Yes. Sinjan sounded worried and he was. He wanted his friends to be happy and knew that this idea of his would make Nygozy happy even though he would not tell her what they had, or will have done, but he was worried that such a thing would be painful for Calliara to see her former love's soul growing up in a baby boy or even girl. This is the reason he had not come straight out with the question.

"I wanted to ask him but did not want to try and do it without asking you fiirst about what you thought. I don't want to wilt any pretty white rose petals.

He tried to smile but it turned into a wistfully worried expression.

''Does Nygozy know about your little plot?'' Calliara asked, looking at the floor now and her hand checking the arrows in her quiver. Slowly. Trying to regain some of her nerve.

''You... shouldn't worry about me. It is not my choice to make'' She continued, trying hard to keep her voice calm. ''I won't lie though, Sin, not to you. I don't like the idea in the least. It's not fair. I know you mean the best for everyone, but it's not fair. And I'm not speaking about me, I am unimportant. But I'll guide you down there and we'll see if you can ask him directly''

Sinjan looked ashamed when she asked again whether he had asked Nygozy about the plan and shook his head, embarrassed and confused, unsure of wwhether he should have one this or not. He took another deep breath, trying to get himself back in order.

This was silly! Siinjan waas not the type of man to balk at a difficult choice and this should be no different, "What do you mean that you are unimportant in this? You certainly by Andraste's name are! This would affect you so much more than mosst anyone else! And what makes it unfair?"

Sinjan hoped that Calliara would forget that he had not answered whether he had talked with Nygozy. That in itself was a worrisome concept.

The Wolf frowned a bit, trying to read him like an open book, and then sighed. ''Nygozy knows nothing about this, isn't it? I know Jezarine and you have the best intentions, but I think you're wrong with this. Follow me''

She motioned to him and turned on her heels to guide him downstairs, to the lowest levels. On their way they had to pass through barricades, traps and sealed doors that were set to keep darkspawn busy in the case they came back through the hole down there which led to the Deep Roads and the Sethenera

''It is unfair because you hadn't thought of the possibility that he may not want to come back. Or things could go wrong. Or what Drake could think, if he ever comes back. Or what Nygozy could think if she finds out'' Calliara lectured him all the way down, but with her calm tone, trying hard not to get angry at him or upset, but Creators knew all she wanted was to run away and hide somewhere until the next Blight. Blights were easier to deal with. ''And yes, it is unfair for me. I'm not angry with you. But I will have a talk with Jezarine about this''

"This is not a case of forcing anyone or any spirit to do anything!" Sinjan snapped when he finally got his tongue back to working after Calliara had lectured him. Yes he followed and listened but what she said really stung and got him upset. How could she think that they would try to force someone to go through life again? That was preposterous!

He stopped at a corner and held onto a hand rail near the end of a length of stairs. He had to cool his temper and was having a difficult time doing so, "Look if you think this is a horrid idea then you could have said you didn't like it and it's a horrid idea. Going any further when you don't like it is just a farce. All I wanted was for Ny's baby not to turn out to be a ball of nothing inside or something you wardens may have to kill in the future like Helmoot the Wild."

Sinjan turned around, not caring if they were close to the place she'd found Duncan's ghost or not.

Calliara rolled her eyes and caught Sinjan's wrist with her surprisingly strong hand, and pulled to force him to follow her downstairs

''Don't be such a baby. I like that in you, but not right now. I never said it was a horrid idea, I just was horrified with the idea of being Duncan's spirit. Don't put things in my tongue that I never said''

Her fingers wrapped with his and her pace slowered once they were on the lowest level, and she traced Sinjan's palm with her index. ''Forgive me. I apologize if you thought I was mad at you. I'm... not myself lately. It's hard to stay calm and gentle when all I want to do is run away to find him, but instead I must stay here and take care of you all. I want to take care of you all. I just feel there's half of myself, missing somewhere''

She stopped to listen carefully, making sure they were alone, and then continued walking, still holding his hand. ''I won't betray you or Jez to Nygozy though. We'll just make this work somehow. I don't want my future niece or nephew to be lifeless or a darkspawn. There's enough with me''

Calliara took his hand and she tried to reassure him that she was not upset at him. He looked at her for a long while then sighed and began to follow her, "To be honest, I am not thrilled to be going to parlay with a ghost and especially not this one."

Sinjan snorted in agreement, "Believe me, I would love to go looking for my best friend as well but Ny needs me here at least for now. Drake is tough though. I cannot doubt that he will be back." He continued on with another deep breath, "I just hope that we can do something even if this ghost does not wish to do this. But are you sure, Calliara? Something like this could hurt you badly."

''You shouldn't be afraid of him. He is... was gentle, caring, and won't be upset with you for asking. He'll think about it, hesitate and ponder all the consequences, and then he'll decide, but never getting angry'' Calliara smiled sweetly, remembering the Commander lecturing some of the recruits with that warm, baritone voice that made them feel like shit and relieved at the same time.

''And it will hurt me, yes. But it's not my choice. It's his. Even if he... decides to come back, he, or she, will be a baby inside Nygozy. He won't be my Duncan. There won't be a 'we' ever again. Even if Drake never comes back and I'm alone, by the time that child will grow up it will be my time to die, if I'm still here by then. You don't ever know if he will remember his past life. But Nygozy's child would have a soul''